1. Put Your Trust In Your God. The universe is controlled by divine power. Put your trust in the power of prayer and hear the answer. Throughout my marriage, I prayed for strength to get through very difficult times. I’m not an addict myself, I can’t understand getting chemicals into my body and storing those chemicals in a more important place than my family. I just don’t get it but at the end of the day, if your partner isn’t seeking professional help for drug and alcohol addiction, maybe it’s time to leave. I was terrified, and I felt I had no choice but to go to protect myself (and the children). At first, I was astonished (I still am) that he would choose drugs over us, his family, but THAT was his choice. Even though I can’t control the choices, I am influenced by the choices, and I CAN control HOW I will react to those choices. So, I pray … a lot.
2. Get Legal Advice – Know that whatever a drug addict says, no matter how sincere it may seem, is fueled by drugs. Whether the discussion is about kids or money, don’t believe anything the addict says. A professional told me that when you divorce a drug addict, you MUST face the fact that a drug addict is cheating on you! You (and your children, if you have children) are no longer the primary focus of a partner with a drug/alcohol problem. Infidelity with drugs is very difficult for other couples to “fight.” (A friend of mine is going through a divorce from a partner who is a chronic “cheater”, she found my situation easier. Divorcing a drug addict is the same as divorcing a “con” – trust is lost! After trust is lost – it’s gone!) So, sadly, you must have legal representation, unless the addict is willing to sign everything and just walk away. If your spouse is willing to “give” you everything, you should still have a lawyer and possibly an accountant review and advise you on the short-term, long-term and/or tax implications. Check with friends or go online and get referrals from chat rooms, web forums, or even Twitter can guide you to websites to help you do your research, but in the end, get professional advice.
3. Get Support from Friends. Divorce is emotionally draining. Usually, your friends and family won’t want to hear it, but it’s very important to have someone who will listen and only offer support. Not guidance, just support.
4. Get Therapy. If you can afford to see a therapist, I would highly recommend that you do. A trained professional can help you understand how the inner brain of a drug/alcohol addict works. AND, whether you want to hear it or not, you have some responsibility in all of this. A therapist can help you see areas where you need to take ownership of this crisis. There are studies now, which have revealed that people with addiction have identifiable genes. You may have to face the fact that, perhaps, you are an “empowerer.” Ultimately, however, the responsibility for addiction rests with the addict. Unless, of course, you’re the one holding your partner back and physically inserting the drugs into their bodies.
5. Blogs. If you live in a bubble, where you don’t have access to friends, family, and therapists, then I suggest you create a blog or at least a journal. Even if you have friends and family, this support system, firstly, is tired of hearing about your anger and pain and secondly, your friends and family, unless they have been through it, may not know how to support you. Having friends and family who can support you in a divorce is one thing, however, divorcing an addict is NOT like going through a “normal” “irreconcilable difference” divorce. Go online and find other people fighting the same dragon, find chat rooms and forums that can give you guidance on finding lawyers and therapists, etc. in your region of the country. This will give you a chance to ramble on with someone who understands and you can compare horror stories, which, believe me, end up, over time, seem rather entertaining. Maybe even funny.
6. Protect Your Credit. Any divorce will cause a disruption to your credit score, and especially today with the current economic situation and the problem of identity theft, it becomes even more important to protect your identity and your credit score. This is not only aimed at outsiders, your partner may try to hijack your identity, not just for selfish practices, but, sometimes, as in my case, attempts to harm you. In a divorce, both parties have the potential (and the motive) to harm the other party. Horror stories abound about credit catastrophes caused by an angry spouse – like…..spending a credit card in another spouse’s name and walking away. Request a service, which, for a monthly fee, will monitor your credit score and notify you via email, if there are any changes to your credit score.
7. Set Up Your New Separate Identity. If it’s not the time now, it will be soon. So, there is no time like now to start using your own name and identity. Begin to recognize yourself as YOU. Separated and detached from your identity as a partner, getting others to recognize you as an independent person will help you feel more empowered. Think about going back to your singular name.
8. Take Your Time. Decisions made now, even if they are not set, are important and will have an impact. Whether you decide to move to a new house or city, do you choose one attorney over another. All of these decisions are important. So make your choice wisely and be as informed as possible. Take advice from all sources you can, but remember that it is you who has to live with the long-term effects of those choices. So make your choices and decisions wisely!
9. Don’t Take Advice from Friends. All that said, at number 8, realize that you shouldn’t take suggestions from friends as “hard”. Take input, weigh it, balance it with information from searching on the internet, but know that you are biased. Unless your friend is a trained professional, and even then, while their input may be genuine, it may be completely wrong for your situation and they could be biased. Take all input and apply what works for your personal situation.
10. Insurance. Make sure all your insurance is up to date. Medical, vehicle, home, life. In my situation, for whatever reason (I suspect the process was obscured by drug/alcohol use), the car insurance was not paid and we drove for months without car insurance. In my state, it’s illegal and being reported to the state and opening another can of worms, which caused further damage to my credit score. So, be responsible and make sure ALL your insurance is up to date.
11. Your finances. Your finances are a very important part of a divorce. If possible, I suggest that you, unfortunately, plan ahead by setting aside some money, before the divorce, in case things go bad. You’ll, at the very least, have access to SOME money to see you through some of the tough roads ahead. Money in should always be more than money out, but it is very important during a divorce. Work diligently to keep credit cards organized. Continue, if possible, to add to your savings plan each month. You really need to be aware of the tax consequences and the long-term impact – things your attorney may not have control over. Work with an accountant or divorce financial planning expert. Looking back always 20/20 is how the saying goes and in looking back I realize that during my marriage we lived off one paycheck and skewed the other. When I got married, I thought it was a good idea. Now, though, when he closed the bank account and took all the money, I realized that wasn’t such a good idea. Get an accountant.
12. Take care of yourself. The road ahead will be exhausting and may be difficult, depending on how much time/emotional investment you put into your marriage. Take time to relax, do whatever gives “your” time. Going for walks, playing cards, horseback riding, yoga, reading, playing the piano, it’s important to find time to experience things that make you de-stress. Stress can be difficult to manage at any time in your life, especially during a divorce. The bottom line is that divorce CAN eat you up, IF you let it. So, take the time to make time for you. Make sure you still do your hair, nails, pamper yourself and know, that no matter what other people tell you – you are valuable. Taking care of yourself strengthens your energy levels, willpower and determination.
In the early ending, (or early ending), I watched “Diary of a Mad Black Woman, I watched, “Enough”, I watched, “Sleeping with the Enemy” and while I recognized the part of each of the films in my marriage , more than anything else I realized that the common element is a particular emotional “system” that goes berserk. First comes a wave of fear, then anger, then anger, then, fear again. More anger, anger and then acceptance and resolution Through it all, run the will to “hate” – eventually you reach a resolution that this negative emotion triggers more of the same thing – through the Law of Attraction – so it’s healthier (not easier – but healthier) to let it go.The Law of Attraction is very clear no matter what you focus – whatever you think about you will bring more into your life Anger, brings more anger, otherwise peace will bring more peace.
Drug and alcohol addicts don’t use drugs and alcohol because of something you’ve done, they use drugs and alcohol because of something that happened in their own reality. I used to get annoyed every time I opened an email offering to give me over-the-counter medication – somehow I could just as easily hit the delete button. I can’t say the same for everyone – otherwise this website wouldn’t last. You give yourself too much credit if you think you have something to do with turning your partner into an addict. At some level, even addicts cannot control their behavior. Hopefully, at some point, addicts will come to their senses and seek professional help that will help them recover.
Another good news I will share, I have been told by drug addiction doctors that drug addicts will tell you that they have recovered. This of course happened in my personal story. Most drugs cannot be controlled by the addict who becomes a “cold turkey” himself. Usually, these drugs have to be “detoxified” out of the body using other medications and therapies and these things cannot be done on an outpatient basis. Once an addict is “recovered,” that person’s life will be, forever, “in recovery.” Whatever addictions to gambling, liquor, drugs, are constantly on the list… once an addiction is “conquered”, it will always be a challenge AND one addiction can be replaced by another! It is imperative that addiction issues are handled by a licensed professional, under a controlled setting.
So let it go – don’t take their choice personally, and as hard as it seems, let them go… and pray for them.
I am not a professional, I encourage you to seek the advice of a licensed professional to help you make important decisions.