Marriage to a narcissist can be a sad and confusing experience. Because of the hard wiring of someone affected by malignant narcissism, your narcissistic partner commits extremely hurtful acts, leaving you confused, in pain, and often questioning your own sanity. With a lack of empathy, a willingness to use others to get ahead, an inflated sense of self-worth and inflated accomplishment, an attitude of entitlement and haughty, a requirement for extreme levels of admiration, idealized fantasies of love, beauty, or ideal power, and jealousy of success other people, the narcissist wants what he or she wants and doesn’t care what one has to do to get it. Divorcing a narcissist is never easy, but breaking free from a damaging relationship is important and can be done. Here are 4 steps to a successful escape from marriage to a narcissist:
1. Cover your legal grounds. Get a good lawyer who understands narcissism. This is very important. You can’t reason with a narcissist in the same way you reason with a normal person, and your attorney needs to understand this. Find out how best to protect yourself and your children. If you’re concerned that your partner could potentially harm your children (and the narcissist of course), request an immediate custody evaluation, as this can take several months to complete.
2. Work on your previous financial situation. Get a credit card in your name, while your credit is still combined with your partner’s. Open your own bank account and have an emergency cash reserve in it. While it may not be legal for your partner to freeze marital assets, don’t forget the narcissist. While your attorney goes before a judge to force your spouse to comply with a court order, you need to make sure you have the money to live on. If you’re worried about your partner finding out you’re keeping an emergency fund, use a debit card and ask for cash back wherever you make purchases. Then put this money into your account. Be sure to disclose this money after the divorce proceedings are underway so you don’t violate any laws or court orders.
3. Create a paper trail. Make copies of all financial records. This includes tax returns, pay stubs, W-2s, investment documents, loan information, insurance policies, frequent flyer miles reports, 401K statements, bank statements, and the like. Your attorney can tell you what information they will ask to assess your financial picture. Have a copy of your marriage certificate. Also keep your passport, social security card and other official documents for you and your children in a secret place for safekeeping. Remove your sentimental personal items from your home. Ideally, give it to someone you trust to keep it for you. Document everything. The time, date, place of your partner’s illegal, immoral, or destructive behavior. This may be useful to your attorney as well as the custody assessor, if you have one.
4. DO NOT listen to messages from your narcissist partner. Ideally, you will have no contact. If this is not possible, remember that what the narcissist is saying is self-serving, and quite possibly a lie. You can even choose to adopt the gibberish sounds you play in your head, like “lalalala” when your partner talks to you. Spend time with trusted friends and family, and/or a counselor, who will help you maintain the right perspective about yourself. Listening to the narcissist and taking the person’s criticism or excuses will skew your thinking about yourself and the situation. The narcissist wants whatever response he can get from you. Play the interaction with a poker face and don’t let your narcissistic partner know what you want because it will likely be used against you.